Stephen P. McCutchan

Part 7 — The pastor tries to refocus the conversation.

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“The real issue that we need to deal with is that the covenant of your marriage has been broken. What would you have done differently if it had been another woman?”

Her eyes flashed as she said, “I would have made him pay big time,” she paused and then said slowly, “but if he was really sorry, we would have worked it through.” Again she hesitated as if thinking about what she was going to say. “But that’s different. I don’t mean to be overly bold, but I know how to compete with other women. I mean, look at me, pastor.” She rose, slipped off her suit jacket and presented herself as if she was a model walking down the runway. “You’re a man. I’m desirable, don’t you think?”

I thought I knew what was happening. I had focused on Eleanor’s every word for the past 45 minutes. Such an experience can evoke feelings of intimacy and be easily misinterpreted.

“Eleanor, I think the real issue we should…”

“It must be pretty lonely being a pastor. Do you ever look out on some Sunday morning at some of your more attractive members and wonder what it would be like? You don’t have to answer that, but I’ll just bet some of them are wondering that about you.”

“Somehow I doubt that, Eleanor, but we need to …”

“Oh, you’re wrong. Think about it. If a woman wants to get close to God, you may be the best path available.”

I felt uncomfortable. I resisted the impulse to reach up and loosen my collar. I only hoped that my face wasn’t turning red. I knew that the traumatic experience with Harold had shattered her self-confidence. In a crazy sort of way, she seemed to be trying to reaffirm her desirability as a woman and confirm Harold’s straying was not her fault.

I spoke brusquely. “Eleanor, we’re here to discuss what has happened between you and Harold. Your marriage and your children are at risk.”

She blinked and her eyes lost their trance-like glaze? “OK, so you are not available. Can you at least tell me that you find me attractive? I really need that right now.”

“You are definitely an attractive woman, Eleanor. Harold would really be the loser if he lost you as a mate.”

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The conclusion will be published on May 27. AT this point, how do you think this is going to turn out? What would be your approach as a pastor in this situation?

Now we hear what the husband told his wife about what happened. If you were the pastor, how would you respond?

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“He told me that he was at this conference in San Francisco last year.” She paused. “Why doesn’t God destroy that city if He’s going to destroy one?” Then she continued her narrative. “Anyway, one evening after a meeting, he and another guy went out for some drinks. They didn’t realize that the bar they picked attracted a lot of gays. A couple of guys tried to hit on them, and they started kidding each other about who was most attractive.” She shook her head. “They were pretty drunk by the time they got back to the hotel. There was a wet bar in the other guy’s room so they continued to drink and kid each other. The way he told it, before they knew it, they were sort of experimenting with each other.” She lifted her hand to her throat and her mouth opened as if she were gagging. “It’s so disgusting; I don’t even want to talk about it. If he’s gay, why didn’t he admit it before he married me and got me pregnant?”

“Maybe he’s not really gay,” I said cautiously.

“What do you mean? He fucked a guy, didn’t he? He sure wouldn’t do that if he were straight, would he?”

“As I understand it, our sexual orientation is on a continuum. There are some people on either extreme, but most people find themselves somewhere along the continuum. It doesn’t make you gay because you feel affection for someone of the same sex. Is it possible that your husband had never recognized any attraction to another man before that unfortunate night?”

“That’s what he told me. He said he had never, ever, had such thoughts before, and the next morning they were both horrified at what they had done. They made a promise never to tell anyone else. But it kept eating away at him. Then your sermon hits him between the eyes. It was like taking the stopper out of a bottle. He couldn’t keep it in any longer. Oh, how I wish we had never gone to church that Sunday.” She started keening as if someone precious to her had died.

“It was eating away at his soul, Eleanor. I can’t promise you that your relationship will survive this, but I think it is pretty clear, from what you have told me, that if he hadn’t told you, he would have continued to spiral down and would probably have killed himself.”

She looked at me through her tears. “I…I…wouldn’t have wanted that. He has been a good fa…father and that would have been devastating for the ch…children. Oh, pastor, what am I going to tell the children? They know we are having a fight. I made him move out. But they keep thinking that pretty soon it will be better, and he will come back.”

“I wish I had an answer for that. I don’t. I am willing to work with you, and with Harold if he will let me, in trying to find a solution.”

“So you don’t think Harold is going to hell because he did that? If he promised to never, ever, ever to do it again, do you think God would save him?”

“We could have a longer discussion sometime about the Bible and homosexuality, but, for now, let me just say that despite our tradition, the Bible is far from clear in the very few passages that even speak about it. In one of those passages, it does suggest it is a sin, but it is a sin that is equivalent to gossip and being greedy. For all our sakes, we better trust that the grace of God is stronger than any of those behaviors.

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Part 7 will be posted by 9 a.m. on May 20

How do you think Eleanor will respond to what has been said?