Whining Doesn’t Help

As pastors, all of us experience insults and behavior that causes us personal pain. I know from personal experience that whining about it does us no good.  It undermines our qualities as a leader. Often it even makes us feel worse inside. So what can we do, because we will endure more than our share of psychic pain as we offer ministry.

The secret is to be able to transform the experience into something that can be beneficial. When someone insults us, for example, the power belongs to them. When we transform the experience into something positive for us, we retake control. So here are 5 suggestions.

1. Convert Pain into Spiritual Act

One does not have to read much Scripture to recognize that God’s servants experienced a lot of pain. Find, for example one of the Psalms like Psalm 13, or even the famous Psalm 22, and, keeping the pain in mind, pray the psalm but substitute your name  for the pronoun. Don’t deny what you are feeling but allow it to be prompt for deepening your own spiritual journey.

2. Identify Someone Else Who is Hurting and Reach Out

If you were insulted, ignored, rejected, etc., there are plenty of other people who have experienced similar pain. Allow your pain to sensitize you to their experience and find a way to support them. It will both benefit them and make you feel better about yourself. In a strange, and normally unvoiced way, you may even find yourself grateful for the action that initially caused you pain.

3. Seek Reconciliation With the One Who Caused You Pain

The Bible suggests that we learn to speak the truth in love. Instead of remaining a victim of some painful act, you are confronting the perpetrator in a manner that offers a possibility of redemption. If you say, “When you said or did that, I felt personal pain. I’m wondering if there is a way for us to get past that and improve our relationship.” Even if they deny that that was their intent, the act of reaching out removes your victim status and allows you to incarnate the Gospel as a spiritual leader.

4. Examine the Hurt With More Depth

Usually when someone’s behavior or words causes us personal pain, the reason why we suffer lies deeper in our own history. Not everyone would respond in the same way. Your pain can be an invitation to look back into your personal history and examine what caused you to react the way that you did. I used to be the last one picked when we chose up sides for a game. I can quickly react to feeling discounted when a group is asking people to offer their gifts. As I probe that more fully, I can better understand and be more in charge of my reactions.

5. Spiritual Leaders Think Theologically

You are a spiritual leader. You are supposed to think theologically. What are the theological issues present in the incident that you have painfully experienced. If, for example, someone is critical of how the church is not feeding them spiritually, what are some theological issues that are part of this concern. How, for example, do we understand how “we hold this treasure in an earthen vessel.” Or how do we understand how “God’s power is made perfect in our weakness.”? Once you have identified an interesting theological issue, build a sermon around that theological issue for the sake of the congregation. This is not an opportunity to attack an opponent. I would recommend that you not even mention the original issue. What you are doing is using the early pain to be an opportunity to offer your congregation a chance to grow spiritually.