I think one of the great pressures on pastors is that there is this idea that no matter what a person does or says, you are supposed to smile and be nice. I am fully aware that Jesus said we are supposed to forgive a person seven times seventy times but there are times when a person has used up their 490 get out of jail free cards and you begin to think about what you’d really like to say.
A Friend and I were grieving the death of the comedian George Carlin and recalling his famous routine, “Seven Words You Can’t Say on TV.” It got me to thinking about 7 moments in ministry where you are tempted.
1. Sometimes Baptism presents an interesting exchange:
Imagine the scene a few days before Christmas. Like a marathon runner, you’ve almost completed the 26 miles and you are coming into the home stretch. You are looking forward to the quiet, peaceful midnight Christmas Eve service. Despite the fact that every minute of the day is filled with events, you have made room to see Mrs. Evenrude because she has an urgent matter to discuss with you.
She waddles into your office, flashing expensive jewelry that announces her status in life. She sweetly reminds you how supportive she and her husband have been in your ministry. “Walt refused to agree with those ruffians last year who wanted to freeze your salary” she says, “and we immediately raised our pledge to cover the difference.” Then she smiles and says, “I do have one teensy weensy favor to ask of you.”
Baby talk and the fact that she has just reminded you that she could end your job in a minute is not meant to relax you but to prepare you to be very cooperative in what she is about to ask.
You realize how Jesus felt when Pilate asked, “What is truth” and then reminded Jesus that he, Pilate, had the power execute him or set him free.
She then explains that her son, who you’ve never seen in 10 years of your pastorate, is going to be in town for Christmas. Even though he hasn’t darkened the doors of a church since he was a fifth grader, in return for the Ferrari that her husband has offered to buy him for Christmas, he has agreed that he and his wife will bring their new baby to the midnight service for Christmas eve.
“I know that it is the last minute,” she says, “but if you would agree to baptize Walt Jr. at the midnight service, Walt Sr. has agreed to pay for the extra lights and to hire a video engineer to live stream the baptism to the child’s other grandparents. They are vacationing on the French Riviera. It would just mean so much to all of us.”
Again she smiles sweetly and awaits your answer. What is it that you are not allowed to say but really want to?
You want to say, “Get thee behind me Satan,” but you are feeling less like Jesus than John the Baptist, because you know that your head could soon be on the platter.
You smile and say, “Mrs. Evanrude, I know that your grandchild is the fault of a birth, but if the fault has lost its flavor, then even a Ferrari won’t buy Walt a Savior.
You probably don’t really say that because you are a NICE pastor.